What can you do when there is a seemingly irresolvable issue with those you love?
A marriage and family therapist’s perspective on social conflict.
Healthy Influences
Reciprocal relational influence is the belief that in a relationship partners share equal influence. In other words, partners desire input and influence from one another. In this way, influence is loving considered and never forced. Each person feels safe and free to express their thoughts and feelings. Reciprocal partner influence is a key to relationship satisfaction.
While all of society is seemingly ablaze, you feel safe when close relationships agree with you. Relational agreement increases couple's sense of belonging and significance. When you are confident that your person has your back, their loyalty creates feelings of safety and security.
Toxic Influences
Our current social climate is a hotbed for conflict extremes. This external conflicts are seeping into intimate relationships and perpetuating far too many arguments and divisions. Disagreements weaken relational bonds, making relationships vulnerable to insecure avoidance and anxious-style behaviors.
To influence your perspective, some will employ negative and hurtful tactics like control, guilt, pressure, persuasion, debate, or withdrawal/avoidance. Be aware of these tactics and know how to confront appropriately without damaging the relationship.
Reflect
Take a moment and reflect on the way that you attempt to influence. Do you have equal influence over your partner? How do you respond when your person opposes you? How do you attempt to influence in conflict?
Think. Pray. Love.
Four strategies for conflict with intimate relationships.
Think.
Applying logic, review the facts of the issue. Sincerely empathize with your person’s feelings. Even though you disagree, your compassion should allow for grace. Genuinely consider the weight of each alternative.
If you have an “I am absolutely right, so you must be absolutely wrong” mindset, then bitterness and resentment are close by. I suggest a grace-filled mindset change. Perhaps, you could truly empathize and try to understand another’s perspective. Understanding perspective doesn’t mean you are in agreement but allows you to have empathy and grace with whom you disagree.
Pray.
Ask God for clarity, grace, and peace. If you struggle with giving in to pressure or feeling guilty, then, sincerely, ask God for His conviction. Conviction leads to changed behavior, a renewed heart, and a peaceful soul. God’s conviction is full of grace and forgiveness. While guilt and shame will teardown and demean, God's conviction will only give peace toward positive behavior changes.
Above all Love.
Fear and greed will bring out man’s worst characteristics. Answer softly. Always choose to respond out of love and moral character. Love is patient and kind. Love never responds in anger, bitterness, resentment, or strife.
Peace.
Use God’s peace as an indication that your aim is in the right direction. When challenged, guilted, or pressured then take time and ask God for his peace.
Opposition.
Your conclusion may be challenged. Your opposition could desire to control your decision for their own purpose. In efforts to thwart your resolve, twisted logic or extreme emotions could be thrown at you. If this happens to you, take a deep breath, think, pray, and obtain God’s peace once more.
A note of caution. If someone is controlling or verbally, emotional or physically abusive, then you must strictly enforce boundaries and seek out professional help.
THINK
Think about these things. "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (Philippians 4:8).
Set your mind toward God's will. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect" (Romans 12:2).
PEACE
God has peace for you, “Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you” (2 Thessalonians 3:16). Through the confusion you will know God’s peace “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7). God has peace for you through this world’s stress. “You will have peace in me. In the world you experience distress. But be encouraged! I have conquered the world” (John 16:33).
LOVE
Respond in love. Scripture clearly depicts the characteristics of love.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hope, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). Respond gently and lovingly. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
CHARACTER
Scripture clearly defines Christ followers’ characteristics:
“the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23
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